I know lately I been posting a lot about my family and my problems, and this post will be no different. Writing helps me a lot, whether it's talking to my friends, writing in my stories, poems, my journal or even posting in this blog. It helps so much to relieve the emotions inside of me. This probably will be a long entry cause my mind is confused and lots of emotions is inside. For those who dislike what I talk about, then don't read it. I am who I am and don't want others telling me to change. This is my life, i want to live it my way.
First off, I'm a pessimstic being that does try thinking positive, but my mind is dark and negative so when i"m sad many thoughts enter in my mind and I can't stop them. I probably make things out to be worse than they really are, but in my mind it feels worse. I don't know why am what I am and it's hard to explain for others to understand. Many of my close friends don't like my parents due to what I told them and I do defend them because they are my parents and I feel responsible. Family comes first was the way I was raised.
How many people are on great terms with their parents? Meaning they don't fight, always loving with no negativity whatsoever? Very few can say that they always get along with their parents without complaining. I was once like that, I thought my life was near perfect but inside I always wanted to be free like my friends who wasn't overprotected. I was always over-protected and dependant on my parents for everything. I wanted to be free so i locked all my negative feelings away where i never told anyone how I feel. I fear judgement and being lectured (i hate being lectured) so i never voiced how i truly felt.
As you know in the previous posts, lately me and my dad has been fighting a lot. Always over small things. Well today he had another bad day at work (he loathes his job and his coworkers who are like bullies) where he almost hit the "end of his rope" with the stress. 80% of that stress is his job and 20% of it is me, he told me this. I don't do all my chores as I'm supposed to do when asked, I don't practice driving as i should, I don't take part in the family time, and I am not talkative as I should be. Those are few of what stresses him out. I'm not responsible enough as I should be. I know I slack off sometimes where I fall in a rut with no motivation, but what person doesn't? I don't complelty stop doing chores, I still do some and I do them well, but it's not enough to him, I have to do what needs to be done. Like once a day either sweep, mop, vaccuum, clean small bathroom, dishes, make the coffee, and feed the cats. Every week. I lose motivation because every week I have to do these and it's all the same and I'm the one doing them. I have no help cause I'm home alone and an only child. Every summer it's like this for me. My dad made it clear to me that these need to be done cause it's my responsibility.
Next, is my liscence. He says there is no time limit when I have to have it. But I do need it, this is me saying that cause I can't rely on my parents to damn take me everywhere and it annoys me when they decline something. My problem is I'm nervous of driving. I'm good driver, yes but other drivers scare me cause many drive wrecklessly and I'm terrifed I'm going to get in a wreck. With that fear has made me dislike driving. I can't overcome fears as easily as others, it's hard to push through that barrior. That's why I haven't been out practicing.
How many times must I say I'm a quiet person? Some days I'm talkative and others i'm not because I don't know what to say. I'm sorry if I seem selfish for not communicating as others like but it's who I am. Sometimes I am short with people by giving simple answers, but I just don't know what to say. Yes, I'm on the interent or my phone a lot, but that's because I'm talking with my friends who I never get to see. I live with my parents so I see them least 24/7 for 22 years now. Sometimes you just dont want to constantly be in family time with them. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish but who doesn't not want to get away from their parents? Also I don't have control over my emotions, so I tend to cry when upset. My mom said that's aggrivating because she wants to have a serious conversation with me and get feedback. I can't help it, i fucking can't. I try, I really do try to stay calm and stop the tears, but I fail when the conversation continues on and on. I "shut down" because I'm trying to absorb what is being said and control myself. I truly don't know what to say because what i do want to say I fear it will piss them off. They keep telling me tell them everything even if it's bad, but I can't pull myself to do that. Because in my mind I'm scared what I say will make them mad and be lectured or told i'm selfish. They say they treat me as an adult and my opinion matters, but is it worth the tenstion? You don't want to know my true thoughts because you will be disappointed.
What truly had me upset and scared is my dad is on the burdge of quiting his job. His job is working at a collage that I go to, so I get free tuition and a ride (I ride with him up and back). This is a private school so the tuition is expansive and if he quits that will put me in a very bad spot. I'm jobless, no liscence, and i live with my parents... makes me feel like a failure since i'm 20% of someone's stress. He works with jerks who hate him just to hate him and their lazy so their tasks get handed to him. The only reason he works there is because of me, and he has told me this lots of times. Whenever he complains about his job, he always tells me why he's there; for me. it makes me feel guitly but what hurt today is when he said he thinks I don't appriciate it and says it's not worth the stress. I do appriciate it! I may not voice it, but I do cause the collage is the only damn thing working for me since I lack a job. He says he's going to try find an alternative, another job at hte collage but it's a very slim chance. This is why I desperatly need to obtain my liscence, and try my hardest to get scholarships or grants so i can pay that tuition, and gas money to go. This semester (Fall 2012) might be my last collage experiance if nothing is done cause he swears he's going to quit if I don't meet him half way.
I have to be more responsible and try to control my emotions where i"m not sad. I need to get my liscence and maybe a job cause i don't want to fucking be stuck here in this damn house. And I'm fucking tired of him telling me how bad my life will be saying "there's a whole world out there beyond that computer screen" or comparing me people I don't like. I stay online because it's the only place I feel free and be able to talk to my friends cause I live far away from them. And it's the only thing connecting me to my fiance since we don't get to see each other hardly. I was told all this today... like a bomb going off in my mind spreading so many fears and negative thoughts makign me feel like a failure and like it's all my fault. He did say that I always have a home here no matter what, but i dont' want to be here honeslty. Since i was a teenager, i want to be free. I'm that selfish? Am I? I'm so confused, scared and near tears again. I hate my weaknesses and their not bad people but they just don't understand me. I don't tell them anything because it's hard for me to open up and their my parents, who doesn't have a hard time opening up to theirs?
I'm not a failure, am i? Am I to blame? my parents say It's not all my fault but dad keeps reminding me I need to meet him halfway and 20% of stress is due to me. He wants me to be more responsible and independat so everything he does is for me... he only works at a job he hates is because of me... he makes me feel at fault and guilty sometimes without meaning to. He dont think about his words and his tone so his attitude made me beleive i'm at fault... if the only reason he works at that damn place is because of me, so wouldnt' that make it my fault?
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