Am I at fault as I feel?

I know lately I been posting a lot about my family and my problems, and this post will be no different. Writing helps me a lot, whether it's talking to my friends, writing in my stories, poems, my journal or even posting in this blog. It helps so much to relieve the emotions inside of me. This probably will be a long entry cause my mind is confused and lots of emotions is inside. For those who dislike what I talk about, then don't read it. I am who I am and don't want others telling me to change. This is my life, i want to live it my way.

First off, I'm a pessimstic being that does try thinking positive, but my mind is dark and negative so when i"m sad many thoughts enter in my mind and I can't stop them. I probably make things out to be worse than they really are, but in my mind it feels worse. I don't know why am what I am and it's hard to explain for others to understand. Many of my close friends don't like my parents due to what I told them and I do defend them because they are my parents and I feel responsible. Family comes first was the way I was raised.

How many people are on great terms with their parents? Meaning they don't fight, always loving with no negativity whatsoever? Very few can say that they always get along with their parents without complaining. I was once like that, I thought my life was near perfect but inside I always wanted to be free like my friends who wasn't overprotected. I was always over-protected and dependant on my parents for everything. I wanted to be free so i locked all my negative feelings away where i never told anyone how I feel. I fear judgement and being lectured (i hate being lectured) so i never voiced how i truly felt.

As you know in the previous posts, lately me and my dad has been fighting a lot. Always over small things. Well today he had another bad day at work (he loathes his job and his coworkers who are like bullies) where he almost hit the "end of his rope" with the stress. 80% of that stress is his job and 20% of it is me, he told me this. I don't do all my chores as I'm supposed to do when asked, I don't practice driving as i should, I don't take part in the family time, and I am not talkative as I should be. Those are few of what stresses him out. I'm not responsible enough as I should be. I know I slack off sometimes where I fall in a rut with no motivation, but what person doesn't? I don't complelty stop doing chores, I still do some and I do them well, but it's not enough to him, I have to do what needs to be done. Like once a day either sweep, mop, vaccuum, clean small bathroom, dishes, make the coffee, and feed the cats. Every week. I lose motivation because every week I have to do these and it's all the same and I'm the one doing them. I have no help cause I'm home alone and an only child. Every summer it's like this for me. My dad made it clear to me that these need to be done cause it's my responsibility.

Next, is my liscence. He says there is no time limit when I have to have it. But I do need it, this is me saying that cause I can't rely on my parents to damn take me everywhere and it annoys me when they decline something. My problem is I'm nervous of driving. I'm good driver, yes but other drivers scare me cause many drive wrecklessly and I'm terrifed I'm going to get in a wreck. With that fear has made me dislike driving. I can't overcome fears as easily as others, it's hard to push through that barrior. That's why I haven't been out practicing.

How many times must I say I'm a quiet person? Some days I'm talkative and others i'm not because I don't know what to say. I'm sorry if I seem selfish for not communicating as others like but it's who I am. Sometimes I am short with people by giving simple answers, but I just don't know what to say. Yes, I'm on the interent or my phone a lot, but that's because I'm talking with my friends who I never get to see. I live with my parents so I see them least 24/7 for 22 years now. Sometimes you just dont want to constantly be in family time with them. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish but who doesn't not want to get away from their parents? Also I don't have control over my emotions, so I tend to cry when upset. My mom said that's aggrivating because she wants to have a serious conversation with me and get feedback. I can't help it, i fucking can't. I try, I really do try to stay calm and stop the tears, but I fail when the conversation continues on and on. I "shut down" because I'm trying to absorb what is being said and control myself. I truly don't know what to say because what i do want to say I fear it will piss them off. They keep telling me tell them everything even if it's bad, but I can't pull myself to do that. Because in my mind I'm scared what I say will make them mad and be lectured or told i'm selfish. They say they treat me as an adult and my opinion matters, but is it worth the tenstion? You don't want to know my true thoughts because you will be disappointed.

What truly had me upset and scared is my dad is on the burdge of quiting his job. His job is working at a collage that I go to, so I get free tuition and a ride (I ride with him up and back). This is a private school so the tuition is expansive and if he quits that will put me in a very bad spot. I'm jobless, no liscence, and i live with my parents... makes me feel like a failure since i'm 20% of someone's stress. He works with jerks who hate him just to hate him and their lazy so their tasks get handed to him. The only reason he works there is because of me, and he has told me this lots of times. Whenever he complains about his job, he always tells me why he's there; for me. it makes me feel guitly but what hurt today is when he said he thinks I don't appriciate it and says it's not worth the stress. I do appriciate it! I may not voice it, but I do cause the collage is the only damn thing working for me since I lack a job. He says he's going to try find an alternative, another job at hte collage but it's a very slim chance. This is why I desperatly need to obtain my liscence, and try my hardest to get scholarships or grants so i can pay that tuition, and gas money to go. This semester (Fall 2012) might be my last collage experiance if nothing is done cause he swears he's going to quit if I don't meet him half way.

I have to be more responsible and try to control my emotions where i"m not sad. I need to get my liscence and maybe a job cause i don't want to fucking be stuck here in this damn house. And I'm fucking tired of him telling me how bad my life will be saying "there's a whole world out there beyond that computer screen" or comparing me people I don't like. I stay online because it's the only place I feel free and be able to talk to my friends cause I live far away from them. And it's the only thing connecting me to my fiance since we don't get to see each other hardly. I was told all this today... like a bomb going off in my mind spreading so many fears and negative thoughts makign me feel like a failure and like it's all my fault. He did say that I always have a home here no matter what, but i dont' want to be here honeslty. Since i was a teenager, i want to be free. I'm that selfish? Am I? I'm so confused, scared and near tears again. I hate my weaknesses and their not bad people but they just don't understand me. I don't tell them anything because it's hard for me to open up and their my parents, who doesn't have a hard time opening up to theirs?

I'm not a failure, am i? Am I to blame? my parents say It's not all my fault but dad keeps reminding me I need to meet him halfway and 20% of stress is due to me. He wants me to be more responsible and independat so everything he does is for me... he only works at a job he hates is because of me... he makes me feel at fault and guilty sometimes without meaning to. He dont think about his words and his tone so his attitude made me beleive i'm at fault... if the only reason he works at that damn place is because of me, so wouldnt' that make it my fault?

50 Things that annoy me

Got bored and realized I get annoyed easily with certain things or people, so out of annoyance and boredom here is 50 things that do annoy me. They are not listed in order and I will give reasons why they annoy me. Enjoy or learn new things about me =)

1. Technology/electronics that doesn't work right. Such as locking up, going slow, or just having trouble with the object. It's frustrating and annoys me because you want to do something but you can't cause the object isnt' working correctly.
2. Having someone ask more than 3 times if I'm alright or if there is anything wrong. If I have answered "no" or "i'm alright' to the same question more than three times, it annoys me because I clearly either is alright or I dont' want to talk about it to you. If there is something wrong and I dont' tell you, then let it go cause pressuring me just annoys me. In time I will tell you when I'm ready to talk about whatever is bothering me, if there is something bothering me.
3. Assuming something is wrong because i'm not talkative enough or I'm quiet. I am reserved and an introvert, so basically I'm always quiet! Yes some days I'm more talkative than others, but on other days I'm just quiett. So please don't assume something is wrong. I could just have nothing to say. And please don't ever say "you are never quiet" cause clearly you do NOT know me if you say this.
4. Telling me what to do, what to think or how to feel. You are not me, so don't ever tell me how I should feel or run my life. I am my own person and this is my life so please don't be the boss of me. I don't mind advice, but there's a difference in telling me something and ordering me around. And it truly annoys me when someone tells me how i should feel.
5. Claiming you know me better than I know myself. You are not me, you do not feel what i feel, you do not think what i think, nor do you live my life. So don't ever claim you know me better than I do. You might know some things about me, but not 100%.
6. Not replying back to me. I understand sometimes people get busy but if I send you a message and you don't reply until few days later, that is just rude. Now I understand if you didn't get the message until those days later, but if you got it when I sent it then it makes me feel you are ignoring me and i hate being ignored. It's polite to respond back, if you are busy say you are busy and I'll leave you alone.
7. Being around loud noises. I have sensitive hearing and I'm a tense person so when I'm around loud noises for awhile it will annoy me. Noises such as barking dogs, loud people, or loud tv/radio. It hurts my ears and makes me tense.
8. Over teasing me. I don't mind some teasing, it's a laugh and makes people happy, but sometimes you can over tease until I get mad. After awhile it gets old and some things I don't like being teased over, such as my body or my height. Yes, i know i"m shorter than most and I'll accept some jokes but some people take it too far cause they do it too much. i can't help my height, nor what I look like, so please don't tease me too much or I will get mad.
9. Getting me mad cause it looks "cute". It might look cute to you but for me I'm pissed off and being mad isnt' a good feeling. What if someone laughed when you got angry? How would it feel?
10. Not listening to my advice when you asked for it. This really does make me annoyed cause if you come to me for advice or help, then it's rude to dismiss it cause you are wasting my time and yours. Why come to me when you aren't going to listen to me? It's rude.
11. Those that keep messing up and comes to me for "help". I don't mind helping when I'm able and will do the best I can, but if you keep coming to me for the same problem even after I gave you help then there isn't anything i can do. Not to sound mean but it's your fault in the first place for getting into that situation, and your fault again for not listening to me in the first place. So again it's a waste of time and rude. I got my own problems too you know, I can't solve everything.
12. People who are too negative or too positive. Too negative people drain the life out of you, they see the bad in anything, they don't listen to reason and they will bring you to their level of depression. Too positive people are just plain annoying. Everything is sunny and nothing could ever go wrong. It's good to be positive but sometimes you need to cry or complain, it's healthy.
13. Making a competition out of everything! I get annoyed when I'm talking someone and they always got to one-up you on whatever you are talking about. Like you are complaining about your life, and this person says "well least you have blah blah where I have to put up with blah blah" or if you are proud of something and the person talks about their success. It's always about them winning in what ever the conversation is. It's annoying as hell and rude cause they put the focus on them.
14. Judging on labels. I really can not stand when people judge someone based under whatever catagory the person is under. Rather it be the high school stereotypes (Jock, prep, goth, etc.), relegion (christian, atheist, jewish, etc.), Political (Democrat, republican, independant, etc.), or gender (male and female). You are judging a whole catagory of people based on one person in that catagory that did you wrong. You should judge on personality not what label they are. I see it all the time, people insulting someone just because they are a different label. It's rude and stupid.
15. Assuming or jumping to conclusions based on little facts. self-explanatory. You will make a bigger mess assuming than finding out the facts yourself. Don't assume things when you aren't totally sure.
16. Not respecting my opinions. People have differnet opinions, belief's, and views but it gives you no right to argue with them just because they are different. You can disagree with me but don't ever insult me or say that I am "wrong" when it's based on opinions. It's rude and dis-respectful. I respect all differences, so respect mine.
17. don't keep insulting something i enjoy. I understand you don't like it, but understand that I do and it's rude to continue to insult something in front of me. Agree to disagree is my motto. You don't like it but I do. I don't insult the things you like so it's respectful for you to not insult what I like.
18. Talking/commenting all through a movie. This is minor but still annoys me. Yes, it's alright to comment once in awhile but not through the whole thing. Some people are trying to watch it and you're talking is interrupting them. If you must talk, talk soflty where i can't hear you. Also don't tell the ending of a movie to those who hasn't seen it, it's a spoiler and annoying. If you know who-did-it then keep it to yourself and enjoy the movie. You can guess who did it if you do not know.
19. Not getting my privacy. Sometimes I just want my privacy and it annoys me when others won't give it to me. Also, at night is usually when i have privacy to look at private things, but since the computer is in the living room I don't get that privacy cause people are in the room. I know that sounds selfish but the night time is the only time I have for certain privacy and it annoys me when I can't have that late at night because someone falls asleep on the couch instead of going to bed. They refuse to go to bed despite them sleeping. If I had interent in my room, this wouldn't annoy me but it falls under the privacy issue.
20. Getting up early in the morning when I wish to continue sleeping. I am a nightowl and I like to sleep in, so forgive me for being grumpy when I have to get up early. I am not a morning person.
21. Informing me about every single thing about something I don't care for. I know you're happy with something but please don't inform me about every single detail about it. I will listen to you but afterwhile of continue talking about it, it gets old and I start getting annoyed. Also this goes for other people who has to inform me about thier lives either their wives "pregnancy symptoms" or how great their life is. That's nice, i'm glad for you but I sorta don't care since I have my own life i'm focused on. I'm talking about those people who inform you every chance they get.
22. If I'm already mad at someone, hugging it all better doesn't work. when I'm mad, I can't just flip a switch turning off that anger or frustration, so it annoys me when people get over things so fast and expect me to do the same. I'm an emotional person, I can't magically get over something just because you decide it's over. Give me time to cool off in my own pace. I will calm down but don't assume a hug will magically make it disappear. I do like hugs, but they don't make my anger go away quickly.
23. Arragant, prideful and obnoxious people. Self-explanatory. Yes you may be better at something than others but bragging about it and insutling people is rude and annoying. This also falls under the people who can do no wrong who are also annoying.
24. Pointing out my mistakes. I don't mind when people correct me but it gets annoying sometimes when it's small details. I know I make mistakes, but i don't need them always pointed out to me. I dont point out your mistakes, so dont' always point out mine. Those "grammar-nazis" are like that and they annoy me greatly. Yes, grammar and spelling is important but it's not the end of the world if you find a mistake, let it go.No one will ever be perfect.
25. Dropping or knocking over things. I'm not a graceful person, I can be clumsy at times but it annoys me when I accidently bump into things and knock it over cause most times it happens all through aday. You know those days when nothing goes right?
26. Nosey people who have to know everything. Self-explanatory.
27. Losing or dying multiple times in a game. It gets frustrating when you lose a battle over and over, getting no progress done.
28. Hearing the same thing over and over. Either it be a noise or a phrase. It gets old after awhile and then it starts getting annoying.
29. Lecturing me. I don't like being lectured cause it's my life and it gives me the impression you are telling me what to do and how to live it.
30. Repeating myself more than twice. I understand people don't hear things the first time so I will gladly say it again, but I start getting annoyed if I must keep repating myself cause it makes me feel like my voice doesn't matter or it's a waste of my time. After the 3rd time I won't repeat myself cause by then I'm annoyed.
31. Interrupting me when I'm in the middle of something I find important with something small.
32. Insulting people. I don't like seeing others insult someone else, it's mean. This also the reason why I hate bullies.
33. Being "smart" with me such as smarty remarks or sarcasm. I am a nice polite person, so I would like you to be too and being sarcastic or a smarty remark isn't that nice and it will annoy me.
34. Bragging or flaunting things in front of me. That's nice you have things, or successful but it's bit rude to keep bragging about it.
35. Lying to me. Just don't do it. Also don't keep things from me either. I hate being kept in the dark on situations, my mind is over-active with a vivid imagination and a pessimist, so don't keep me in the dark.
36. Clingy people. I dont like it when people cling to me all the time. Give me some space and let me breath. I have a life you know, i can't always be showing up at a place or with someone.
37. Alarms that don't stay off or even scanners that keep going off.
38. Having to do many chores. I don't like cleaning but I will do it, but please don't overload me. I only have so much time to do things.
39. Rushing me. Don't rush me, I am going the fast as I can and I see the time, so rushing me gets nowhere accept to annoyance.
40. Arriving late or too early. I don't like arriving late to anything, nor too early. I wish to be just on time. Too early means I will have to wait hours for whatever it is to start.
41. When people say something like "I can't believe you still blah blah" or "people still do/have that?" when directed at something I have or do. It's bit rude cause not everyone can be like you so don't sound so shocked if someone has something like dial-up. 
42. When I can't get something opened, such as a jar, package, etc.
43. When people keep forgetting things that I tell them more than once. I expect you to remember if I already told you twice, and it makes me think whatever i said isn't important since you can't remember after two times being told.
44. Losing things and can't find them. I don't like losing things.
45. Being forced to do soemthing I don't want to do
46. Having someone say they know how I feel because they were "young once". Being young doesn't make you know something, everyong is young but everyone faces different situations. Unless you are going through what I'm going through, you do not know how I feel.
47. People who tell you you have no right to complain. Sometimes you have to complain to relieve the frustration building up and yes other people have it worse, but that gives no one the right to tell you what to do. It's also freedom of speech that allows someone to speak if they wish. Though I don't complain all the time, but it annoys me when I hear someone say that.
48. People who always complain to me. It's your right to complain, but why complain to me? I can't solve your problems and I have my own complaints. I'll listen but understand I do get annoyed if you complain about the same thing more than a day.
49. Obessesion. People who get obsessed and talk about that obsession to me.
50. People who cannot carry a conversation. If you strike up a conversation, then you must help carry that conversation, dont' just stop talking. it's rude and annoys me cause I'm the one doing all the talking. Also using "lol" "ok" or "k" is a conversation killer, and is annoying when you always use them. You could at least ask me how I am or my day, what i'm thinking, what i'm up to or something. Don't leave me trying to make the convo work when it was you who began it. I will give up afterawhile.

Well that's the 50 things that annoy me. I could continue this list but by then it will be too long and it's hard thinking of what annoys me even if there is a lot. I hope you learned new things about me and know that I'm a person so I get annoyed with things too just like you.

"Do You Call my Name?"

Here's a song my fiance' showed me that describes my situation with my parents. Lately I've been finding many songs I can relate with in different ways, and since I'm "disallowed" to rant on Facebook about them, I rant here. This is my blog and I will do as I please. About this song, to me it reminds me of why I won't rebel against my parents despite everyone telling me to stand up. I can't stand up cause I have no leverage and no where to go. This is their house, I use thier money to get into college (dad works there to get me free tuiton and he damn hates his job), and I don't have my liscence yet (which is my fault). It's only me against them in this house and parents are 'nine out of ten times always right" said my dad once. I find ways to compromise, or buckle under. And once again pretending to be someone I'm not to keep the damn peace and make them happy.

Like today for instance, I was in a irratated mood (just one of those days) and wasn't talkative. Dad got pissed off at me for being short with him when he talked to me and accused me of not being talkative enough. Not hte first time we had this argument, third time to be exact. Then when mom gets home he drags her into it and sends me into my room so they can "talk". Which he was damn complaining about me and how he fucking hates his job. Anybody else have parents that complain about them? Feels digrading, doesn't it? Then later he talks to me saying how it's "his fault more than mine" and how he hates his job and he won't complain to me about it ever again if I stop complaining myself (mostly about how sucky of a computer we have). Oh and again I'm threatened not to post anything on facebook about him or my phone gets taken away. He wants me to be more talkative since he needs me to be cause i'm "slipping away" from him. So once again I'm damn pretending to be this happy little perfect obediant daughter of theirs who never complains but is always talkative with smile and involved in "family time'. Sometimes I really wish I was invisible so I can damn disappear... I really do feel alone sometimes but I'm very thankful for my friends letting me lean on them and rant cause one day I truly fear I'll damn break... which I play over and over in my mind of what could happen, none of the scenarios look good for me. Enjoy the song lyrics.

Do You Call my Name? - Ra

Some people seem to think they always know what's best for you
Their little minds try to create a world to keep you still
The bolt is thrown, the cage is locked
You saw this, don't you lie
At first you cry and then you hate those people stole your will...

Do as you are told and maybe then we'll let you out
You might be dead and cold, you might be full of doubt
Don't try to escape cuz you don't have nowhere to go
If nothing is your fate, there's no scenario
No nothing

Do you call my name
Do you stain my brain
My eyes are blurry and I can't see you anymore
Do you call my name
Do you breed my pain
My heart is bloody and I can't take it anymore

So you just sit there, stuck, afraid to risk reality
Afraid to cause yourself more pain, to face insanity
But nothing ventured, nothing gained
You see... your fear's your cage
You beg for help but you're alone, stuck in a helpless rage

Do as you are told and maybe then we'll let you out
You might be dead and cold, you might be full of doubt
Don't try to escape cuz you don't have nowhere to go
If nothing is your fate... there's no scenario
(it's me.... I see, please... let me out I'm petrified)

Do as you are told and maybe then we'll let you out
You might be dead and cold, you might be full of doubt
Don't try to escape cuz you don't have nowhere to go
If nothing is your fate... there's no scenario
(C'mon)

Do you call my name
Do you stain my brain
My eyes are blurry and I can't see you anymore
Do you call my name
Do you breed my pain
My heart is bloody and I can't take it anymore