Only in Memories can time stand still...

Well folks, it's been awhile since my last entry, and sorry to say this one won't be a rant either but a "lets talk about my feelings" type. So if you wish to not read this one then you may skip it, but I need to talk and it's my blog so I'm going to post in it regardless of who reads it. And yes, like always, my posts are long so be prepared to read. "Only in memories can stand stand still, but life in a memory wouldn't be real." (from a poem of mine)

As normal everything remains anonymous due to safety and privacy reasons.

What is the meaning of friendship? A simple question that is easy to answer, but if it's so easy then why is it so hard to have? I wrote many blogs in the past to what friendship means to me, but apparently this year I realized my meaning is different than others. Friendship is a two-way street where you both give and receive from each other. You care for one another and when in arguments you try to work it out. But sadly, some people would rather end the friendship than talking it out afterwards simply because they think you are not worth the friendship. It's all about what they want, instead of the good things you did for them in the past. I am a loyal person so when I have a friend I will do whatever i can to keep that friendship, even if it means I get hurt since the other person doesn't share the same meaning of friendship that i do.

As everyone knows from my last entries there is a person that I lost as a friend because this person doesn't have the same meaning of friendship as i did, so the person literally blocked me out of their life without even a "goodbye". Now, I did contact this person afterwards (gave it a day or three before I did) telling the person an apology for making the person angry, I wished the person happiness, and I promised to stay out of their life along with a goodbye. I gave it another few days (no response) before I blocked the person thinking it was for the best. I have no clue if the person read my message or not, but the person did tell lies to others regarding our fight a day later. This person also complained to another about how annoying I am to them and more lies regarding things I supposedly done in the past (which I looked up on and there is no proof those accusations the person said are even true. I talked to the two people the person mentioned where they informed me it was false).

Why don't I move on? Simply because I value friendship too much and it really hurts when someone that I care for does that to me. This person I knew for years, and I valued this person as a close friend of mine. Yes, we had major drama three years ago, and apparently we're still having arguments over simple things that could be worked out if we talked things out. But, the problem is, I don't get the chance to talk because the person blocks me and ignores me like the plague. Why don't I try to talk? Well first off I'm blocked and secondly, I'm afraid of what the person will say. This person seems to speak angrily to me a lot so I don't want to cause trouble by trying to contact this person, and like before, the person may just ignore my message then tell others opposite of what I said. So simply I don't want to make the person think I'm starting something when I just wish to talk things out.

Why do you want to be friends with a person who doesn't want to friends with you? That's the thing that confuses even myself. I miss the old friend that I once had so I believe if I did my best at being a good friend then maybe I will get that friend back, but so far all I ever do is make this person even more angry with me, and so far others even say this person is not worth being friends with since all the person does is complain and block people out of his/her life. I do agree this person has become mean and selfish at times, but still there is part of me that misses the old person that was a sweet and kind person. I guess it's wishful thinking that the person I used to know is somewhere hidden behind the monster that lashes out at everyone. But it pains me very much to say I can't be friends with someone who treats others poorly, so until this person apologizes for the way the person treated me and others, then I can't pull myself to be friends with the person again. Cause if I do accept another friendship then the cycle won't end; the person gets angry at something simple, yells and  blocks me, ignores me for awhile then adds me back. All that is is pain for both sides. What kind of friendship is that?

Then what's the problem? The problem is I'm confused. I know I should stay away from this person and move on with my life. But I miss the person, and there are words inside of me I really wish to tell the person. I still want to apologize for our bad past, and tell the person I'm sorry for acting the way I did, and to say I'm not angry at the person for what happened two to three years ago. I don't want the person to be so angry with me anymore over the stupidest things, and for the person to come talk to me calmly about what is bothering him/her instead of permantly putting me on the enemy list every time an argument happens. I feel like a coward because I'm so scared to say "I'm sorry for the past, can't we just talk things out?" and make things right between us, but the person has so much rage that I'm afraid the person will only yell at me and tell me how much a bad person I am simply because he/she hates it when I "get into his business". I know I always comment on my friends things, but that just shows that I care and want to help. I only want to help and be a good friend, so I comment positive things to express that I am there for anyone when they need me. I don't like seeing my friends upset or going through troublesome times, so I comment positive things such as "I hope things get better!". And I don't give unwanted advice, so there is no reason to complain about that when it's untrue. Also I really don't know where this person is getting that I'm getting involved in their life when the person is posting it all online for everyone to see, so how am I getting involved when others are commenting too? Don't friends comment on each other things?

There you have it. My feelings. The first time ever in my blogs, I would like advice to handle this emotional state I am in. I'm already decided not to contact this person since I did apologize (regardless if the person read it or deleted it) so the ball is in the other court, it's up to the person to contact me. I unblocked the person on all but one site (I'm going to wait until the person unblocks me on another site until I unblock. it's only fair), and I'm keeping my distance. Now, if the person decides to be my friend again, my logical side is telling me I should refuse unless the person apologizes, but my emotional side wants to have my friend back. If, that's a huge IF there, the person contacts me, what do I do? I know I will react calmly, but I worry that we'll never patch things up again. I really fear the friendship I tried my hardest to hold on to is permentally gone. I can't trust this person again if there is no apology, and I'm afraid to speak to this person due to the anger he/she holds inside his/her heart. And those that know this person has said he/she is a VERY angry person to where they even ignore him/her because of it.

Friendship to me is caring for each other's feelings, respecting each other's opinions even if we don't agree, and never making another person an enemy over a simple argument. I would never tell a friend their opinion is "worthless" or block them from my life over an argument. That's not how friends should act. It doesn't matter how long it was until y'all have seen each other, or if you talk every single day, it's about caring for each other regardless of that. You'd think if this person has lost least three friendships within the last few months, that the problem is they lack the meaning of friendship, but instead the person blames the friends that he/she threw away in the first place. And the sad thing is, I still care for this person and want to make him/her happy... I do wish he/she will come back to reality and face the truth about how badly he/she is treating others. But I doubt that will happen any time soon. So why do I still hope? Why do I watch from afar? I am so confused to what I want that I depress myself. This person is like poison to me that I can't get out of my head. He/She was someone I cared for, want to protect, and make happy, but the friend I thought he/she was doesn't seem to think the same way about me since I was just tossed away. I'm sorry for the past, can't we just talk things out? I want my old friend back...but I'll never forgive the monster the person has turned into.

Ok, that's it. sharing my feelings is over. Any advice to how to move on will be helpful, but I know there is no one that can help me since I'm already doing what any advice that can be given. The ball is in my lost friend's court now, it's up to him/her to make the next action if he/she wishes to apologize and be my friend again. Because like it or not, I am a loyal friend because I respect each other's views, I share my love, and I would do most anything to see people smile. How does that make me annoying? I do have a question for the person though; If you could change our past, would you and what would you done differently? I know I wish to fix the things I did, but do you? Do you regret anything? Do you even miss me...