The Missing Peices of the Haunting Puzzle

I love the feeling of coming out of the thick fog of confusion. I'm not confused anymore, and I think I can move on from the person who pained me the most. I feel relieved, as a weight been taken off my shoulders where there is no ache in my heart. I believe i can move on. I found the missing piece to this dark puzzle that's been haunting me for years.

No names are named for privacy and safety reasons.

Why did it haunt me? Imagine this, there is this person that is very kind and you bond closely with. You and him are much alike in personality so you bond easily, and you feel safe. You like him, he likes you, and you two get together where you are invited into his world. Then it all becomes shattered as you learn his secrets he hid from you, and though you are in pain you want to mend the friendship but every time you try, you fail. Through the years you continue trying to be friends, but he becomes angry at you, and even more angrier the harder you try to be friends. Why is he so angry at you? Yes, the breakup was bad, but could that hold so much hatred? Then several times he throws you away, bashing your name making you the bad person that started all the arguments that happened between you two. You were the one to be blamed. Why? Another year passes but the anger is still there and it's the final straw. He banishes you again, ripping you from his life, and making you his enemy. He wants nothing to do with you and claims you are always "sticking your nose in where you don't belong". Where did this anger come from? Why is it only you who he singles out the most? The question is Why? He turned on others too, but it's you who he hates the most. why? Why did the guy I felt so close to hate me so much when all I ever wanted was to make him happy?

Solid theories were placed to answer those questions, but a puzzle can't be solved if there is missing pieces. And nothing is comlete without the very beginning. Thanks to a friend, that piece was given to me, as well as other pieces. His hatred began here:

He grew up in a home with a family that gave him a tough time where he had insecurities about himself. Parents that expected much from him, like most stress from parents to their children, he tried to please but with a younger sister who manipulated them on her side, it was hard to do. The sister is the biggest reason for his anger, for she destroyed whatever innocence he tried holding close. She was his darkness where his anger grew towards the world. Then a trip to the therapist/psychologist he was told there may be something mentally wrong with him, and years he was taking pills for his depression.

Then, he meets me, where we became friends. Somewhere after years in high school together, he confided in our friend, that I was frustrating to be around due to my positive front made him feel belittled, and my constant butting in his problems made him feel like a moron. That's where it began for me. That one thing was the starting point for his frustration towards me. Time passed, his sister often draining him as she often did to those around her. Why was I her friend? that's another story, but I was afraid of her to put it simply. I was always positive because I hid my negativity to make others happy. I helped other people with their problems so they can be happy. I only wanted to make others happy. I would've done anything for my friends to be happy.

Then he and I began to date once we learned we liked each other. It lasted six months before we had to breakup. He was gay. I assume he was confused to what he should do, felt guilt for hurting me, and was scared about coming out of the closet. Confided in our friend agian, he claimed he felt guilty and felt like a monster for hurting me, and he often hated himself, but looking at me he saw himself within me so he often pushed people away because of that. Then he and his sister fought again, everyone seemed to be turning agianst him, taking my side when he started lashing out at me over something small where he claimed I was "butting in" again. I never told anyone to take my side, I was giving him space but my friends took it in their interest to defend me. He probably felt abandoned and the anger turned to rage.

 Again, he confides in the friend, saying  "Katherine can be so annoying...she is just annoying and likes to shove her nose in business where it don't belong like my family she shouldn't be concerned with them she seems to not notice me at all when she is here. my sister and her always ran off talking by themselves and my mom would call me worthless and a failure and it was like she ignored it she didnt' defend me. She pokes her nose in my family business and helps my mom and sister and everyone else but doesn't defend me. On top of that she lies to them she told me she hates my sister but acts like her best friend and same with my mom!" His rage grows, but never told me this. When I visited, he rarely was home, and when he was he often shut himself away. His sister was my friend even though I didnt' trust her. I was afraid of being her enemy because I was too weak to even defend myself, but it pained me to see her treat him so badly. I will always regret not defending him. But i never lied. I stayed loyal to all my friends, regardless if I feared them or not. I was scared of her, but I didn't hate her. I helped with their problems because I care and want to see others happy. They treated me like I was part of the family, so shouldn't I be concerned with them? I never knew his mother told him that. Another reason his rage grew because I was too weak to defend him against his family, and I kept getting involved in his life when it seems he never wanted me to be part of it in teh first place. A double dose of anger.

Then, he got into other arguments with me, over stupid things, where he didn't like me expressing my emotions about our breakup. It led to him lashing out again at me, and his anger grew even more. confiding more in the friend, he said he wanted me to fight for him and showed that i cared for him. He wondered if I cared since I didn't fight for him regarding our relationship. If he's gay, then there is no way we can be together. It's not fair to him if I fought for us to stay together, and I was trying to overcome the sadness I felt for learning the secret where I was the last to know. I did care, I was hurt but I never stopped caring. To this day i still care.

Months passed, we don't talk, and I get in a relationship with another dear friend of ours who later becomes my fiance' now. Oddily, our friend said that he was "mourning" our breakup before the friend mentioned I was dating that guy. He gets mad saying "I know, and I don't care. She's his problem now, and he's making a mistake. He can deal with her." Why did he say this? Because the guy was his first crush and apperently he still is crushing over. In arguements, he brings my fiance's name into it saying my fiance is on his side. And often thinks highly of him even though at this time he is already involved in another guy. Why would he care who i dated if he was already in a relationship? Not to mention, fast forward to now, he keeps spreading lies that my fiance' is pissed off with me for "sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong" to everyone who hears, which is a complete lie. Another reason his anger grows, I'm involved with one of his crushes.

it doesn't end there. Years of lies told to him by his sister about words I had said. My friendship with his sister is the biggest resentment, and at this time I stayed loyal to both of them. If a friend doesn't do something to me, I refuse to turn on them, but I try to keep the peace. i cannot mend the hatred between the siblings, but I cared for both even though my trust failed for both of them. I still regret not defending him from his sister, she is a manipulative bitch, but the strange thing is he often takes her side when he's mad with me. Weird, huh? I was friends (I was her friend, which is a different story) with his sister so that's another reason he hates me.

The rage inside of him is hatred now. And the final theory to why he hates me, is maybe, just maybe, he doesn't trust women, and is a sexist. He is gay, so his interest is men. So why wouldn't he have problem with the female gender if he has trusts issues? This is the reason to why he probably never told me his feelings, and tried communicating to me about our feelings. Instead he confided in a male friend. Then there's me, the girl who is trying to help him, but with the rage already inside of him and his distrust of women, he sees me as a horrible person.

And there you have it, all the reasons that complete the puzzle starting with the very first seed of frustration that grew from other factors, and ended with a theory to why he never (and i mean never) opened up to me about his feelings towards me. The only time he ever told me things was when he was angry that often was bashing me, or twisting the truth to others for sympathy. The mystery of why he changed his personality, that will never be solved, but the puzzle to why he hates me has came to end. It was never something that I did, it was who I was that he couldn't stand. I was someone who was positive, cheerful, and went out of my way to help others. He just didnt' like that about me, and felt bad about himself that he projected his negative faults onto me, finding things to make me the horrible person. It was "frustrating" to him that i could be positive and that seed inside just grew when I tried my hardest to stay by his side. You can't  help those who wish your destruction, and you can't be friends with someone who hates you. I know we'll never be friends again, but I'm glad I know the reason why. I will always cherish the memories I do have, and finally close this chapter that haunted me for years. I am me, and it's not my fault if you can't handle my kindness, and refuse to see the monster you become due to your hatred..