My Final Good-Bye

This is entry is different than my past posts. It is NOT a rant, but more of a letter to a person (that will remain anonymous). There is a slim chance the person will even read this, and if the person did I doubt it will make a difference between us, but it needs to be said. The communication between us was always missing, and if we had that communication where we were on the same page, things may have been different between us. Also, like normal, all my blogs are long, so please be prepared to read a lot.

As usual no names are told in my blog, it is all anonymous for privacy and safety reasons.

Where do I even start? Before I go back to memory lane, I guess I will first ask the questions that will forever haunt me. What went wrong between us that harmed our friendship? What did I do wrong for you to be so angry with me? And the biggest question of them all is, do you hate me? If you do, why do you hate me? I'm haunted by these questions, but I recently learned some info from a friend that has shed some light on the answers. I'm sorry the friend told me what you promised not to tell years ago, but I had the right to know and to understand what went wrong. There were times, and still some today, that I continue to blame myself thinking i caused your hatred and anger. Even with the info I recieved, It still doesnt' tell me what's going through your mind right now, and I fear I will never get the answers.

The info I recieved was a quote where you spoke to the friend in the past (around 4 years ago or more). You told him, "I don't want to talk about her much, I just want to leave that in the past. Don't say anything please but I am a monster. I left her confused and wanting to try something I fantasized about. I do care about her but I crushed her... It is my fault we split up. I wanted her to fight a little more than she did too, but she let me go like she didn't even care and it fristrates me. Did she really care?" The friend told you I did and I was hurting too. You responded with, "I know, but she didn't even try and I wanted her to. I don't want to be her friend anymore cause of the guilt I have for what I did hurts me, and she doesn't deserve a friend who crushes her hopes." Then the friend tells you to hold on because memories are precious, you responded, "I know but she is like me. I see myself in her personality, and I hate what I am and who I am. I feel like I take out my hantred of myself on those that are similar to me that surround me."

What hurts me the most is why did you not tell me this? Things between us could have been better if we communicated our feelings instead of hiding them away. I know there's things I wished I told you, but feared to, but given the chance I would have. Even this letter I wish I could personally tell you but with the things that are now, I am blocked from contacting you because you said you were "done with me". I know the quotes were four years ago, but do you still feel that way?

When we split up, I let you go because I had no choice. If I tried getting you to stay with me that would not be fair to you, because you didnt' share the feelings that would have kept us together. I didnt' want to hurt you, or make you sad, so I tried letting you go and trapping my feelings inside. I was hurt, and angry because I didn't understand. I didn't understand why you didn't come to me first, and I was the last to know. I am an understanding person, and if you just came to me first to explain then I wouldn't have been so much upset. I didn't fight because I didn't want to hurt you, and I don't like fighting because it leads to sorrow. I did care, I cared so much that I often blamed myself for your anger. And if it wasn't for us breaking-up, I would never have met the love of my life, and I know you will find someone who loves you too. There is no reason for you to feel guilty for our breakup.

It hurts to know that you chose not to be my friend. Yes, you hurt me, but given enough time that hurt would heal, and I do forgive people. I was trying to forgive you, but everytime I tried talking to you it would lead us fighting over something and we would get hurt again. I don't know how to talk to you without you being angry. I kept trying to be part of your life, to be your friend because you mean something to me. You were one of my close friends that I trusted and felt safe around in high school, and I wanted that feeling back so I tried my hardest to continue being your friend. Instead you pushed me away, thrown me out of your life, and your anger grew to where you often bashed me. The past is gone, so there's no reason to hold that guilt anymore, and I just want the pain to end. I wanted my friend back.

Why do you hate yourself? In the past, what made you see yourself as a "monster"? Yes, we were so alike in high school which was one of the reasons I felt close to you. You were sweet, kind, quiet, and you understood me. Those qualities made me feel safe and that I could trust you. I miss that person so much. We all miss that person because that person was a wonderful person. What happened to that person? What made you change? Do you hate me because I remind you of your past self? There was nothing wrong with that person, and i would do anything to have that person back. But now, you changed drastically where I fear that friend I had is forever gone. You hate that person so you push me away. Is that really the reason for your anger against me?

I only want the truth, and to speak civily to each other without you pushing me away. You continue to delete me out of your life when you're angry with me, but you never tell me anything. You bash me, but never explain your feelings. We have a broken communication. I forgive you for the past, that is very old news, and I have healed. However, this week you harmed me badly by treating me the way you did. You called me awful names and told me my opinion is worthless, and even when I did apologize, you continued to attack me. You were very angry, and you deleted more people out of your life because they defended me. The person you are now scares me, and I don't know how to talk to you without fearing you will bash me. You say I "put your nose in affairs that you don't belong" and that angers you, but I only post positive and nice things to your comments because I want to make you happy, and help you through whatever darkness you face. I don't want to see you hurt so I try to be your light. I love helping my friends, and you I considered my friend. I only want to make you happy, but you treated me like I was your enemy.

I failed to make you happy, and it seems the only way both of us to be happy is for us to stay out of each other's lives. It hurts me to walk away from you, but you have made it perfectly clear you dont' want anything to do with me. And there is no way for us to mend our broken friendship after all that's happened between us. The person you have became, no, the monster you are now, won't allow us to be friends. You werent a monster in the past, but you are one now, and I am sorry to say I don't like that monster. That monster harms the people who are trying to make you happy. But, if my absence from your life makes you happy, then I guess this is really goodbye. I can't forgive that monster when the monster continues to harm others and myself. But know this, I can never hate you. No matter how much sorrow i face, I can never bring myself to fully hate you. I am always reminded of the friend I once knew, and I miss him.

I miss the old you, but that's the past now, isn't it? You've changed, and I don't know if you still remember the person you once was. I'm sorry for causing you pain in the past, and I forgave you for us splitting up. I can't forgive you now for the monster that recently harmed me, but I don't hate you. We had some good memories together, and I will cherish them. I hope you do too if you do remember. Thanks for being my friend, and I am sorry for the ways turned out between us. I know we won't be friends anymore, but I don't want to be your enemy either. I want us both to live a happy life going our seperate ways. I'm sorry I failed making you happy, but I promise to not start trouble with you, so please don't start any with me.

This is my final goodbye. I will miss you, but this is for the best for both of us. This way we both can't hurt each other anymore, and be happy.

Dogs that bite the hands that feed them eventually go hungry.

You know this has been a bad year for "friends" starting trouble and throwing me away. I knew this day would come too when the other person bashed me then deleted me from their life just like the previous person (the rant before this one). And over an argument where our opinions clashed, and I even told this person over and over that I wasn't against them. I was their friend, and was just stating my opinion, but no matter what I said I was attacked. I get called a hypocrite and that my opinion is worthless. Well this time I held my tongue and tried being nice back, but in this rant is where my sadistic side will vent. Why? because I'm hurt and angry, and sadistic side needs to stand up for nice side.

This is MY blog, and everyone is kept anonymous for privacy and safety reasons. If you think this post is about you then I ask you to prove it. If you can't then there is no reason to be angry. Also like usual the point of view may change to "you", this is the general sense and is not directed at the reader. It's easier than saying he/she all the time.

Where to start? Well let me describe this person first to make it more sense. I knew this person for years, he/she used to be such a kind person in the past but changed into someone who is rude, and it isn't the first time the person treated me this badly, he/she treats everyone with rudeness because he/she thrives on anger. I don't know why this is, but you have to walk on eggshells to keep on this person's good side, and i'm talking tip-toeing while bowing your head down in complete surrender because this person will ground your name into the dirt with harsh language, and then delete you from their life. An arguement could be anything, and you are the enemy if your opinion differs. Well, I do admit I shouldnt have told my opinion, but even when I did apologize it didnt' matter. That's how this time I got deleted was because my views didn't agree with his/hers.

First off, it does irk me when people bash religion simply because they don't believe in it. That's just as bad as religious people bashing non-believers for the same reason. Instead of blaming the religion, I focus on the people who are doing the bashing. Those are the bad ones, right? Well this is my opinion, and my "friend" loves to bash religion, and only religion. If I say it was the followers fault I get called a hypocrite because i'm "judging" like they are. blah blah, it doesn't matter what the argument was over, it was how this "friend" acted. I was nice, and civil in giving my opinion, and I continued to say that I was on this person's side. But was this "friend" the same? No, he/she damn bashed my opinion and me! Just because you don't believe in something doesn't mean you can bash the ones that do! You are worse than the religious hypocrites if you are forcing YOUR beliefs on to another regardless of what they are. You hate religion because you don't agree with the Christian bible? So you have to go out of your way cursing the religion just because some religions people did you wrong? Well guess what, you are teh same as them for bashing you. Religion to me is similar to the gun. Guns get blamed for killing people, so people hate guns. But there are good gun owners and bad gun owners, right? Same goes for religion. There are religious people who are very nice and wouldn't harm another. That's my whole argument, but I kept it simple and saying "I blame the people". I told this person over and over that I was on his/her side but no matter what I said I get damn attacked. I freaking apologized!

I even said "We can agree to disagree and I will drop this. I'm sorry if it seemed I was attacking you. I wasn't." but not even that worked because all you did was continue to insult me and bash religion. I'm an agnostic, i said this twice in the discussion. I even agreed in my very first post, but no, you just wanted to argue. You always have to be right. You have to be damn king/queen where you order people to believe what you want us to believe. And I was saying that the people that bashed you were bad, but that just got me called a hypocrite because I was "judging" them. How the hell does that make any sense? You hate religion because you are tired of people bashing you, then why stick up for the people bashing you? But that's not the problem here. It had nothing to do with religion at all, because this isn't the first time you argued with me. You argue with me over anything you don't like. You purposelly ignored me once because you knew me on Facebook so you didn't want to contact me on another social site, and then get mad at me for questioning why you ignored me. No matter what it is, you make it into an argumetn so you can damn attack me by saying how much of a horrible person I am.

All I ever was, was kind to you, trying to bring positive to your world because I truly care for my friends, but that's not good enough. It will never be good enough for someone like you. Instead my kindness is annoying to you because you say I'm a person who "jumps quickly into the middle of things you don't belong". I'm so sorry for giving a shit for my friends! I'm sorry that I wanted to help you, and make your life better! Not my fault you want to have a miserable life where you hate everything about the world. That's all you know how to do is hate. You hate this, you hate that, and i guess you do hate me too. Since my opinion is "worthless" then it's pointless to even try anymore since no matter what I say it will never be enough. You call me the "hypocrite" but it's you who's the biggest of them all. You cry and whine about no one is talking to you, but you dman ignore those who go out of their way to speak to you. You said once "if you don't want people in your buisness don't post it online", well guess what? Don't post your stuff online either! Oh and lets not forget, your opinion is sacred so you can't be wrong. You are the perfect little saint in your world and we are the mere peasants who get deleted if we step out of line.

Guess what?! I'm done with your crap, and I give up. I'm sorry, i truly am, but I tried being your friend and I am tired of walking on eggshells why you are freely bashing every single thing like you are the damn king. You're not the king, you are a sad little kid who don't know how to grow up and treat others with kindness. Kindess is a foregn language to you because you are a rude ass prick! Stop whining so much, and look at the bright side once in awhile instead of trapping yourself in your dark castle. I'm tired of being insulted for trying to brighten your day with words like "I hope you feel better!" but you ignore me. You say i'm annoying because i don't stop posting on your stuff, you say my opinion is worthless because i don't have the same view as you, and you say i'm a hypocrite because you don't like what i say. I'm not the hypocrite here. I was damn defending people like you, and trying to get you to see it's people's fault for the world we live in, but no, you have to hate religion, and you hate EVERYBODY who isnt' an atheist. You hate the damn world. But you know what, you can hate me... you can drag my name into the dirt and call me worthless, but you can never break me. I feel sorry for people like you because all you know is hatred, and you hold anger in your heart where no one will ever heal it. I never claimed to be perfect, and i know i'm no saint, but i never once insulted you (regardless of this rant), so why did you have to bash my name into the dirt? Why did you have to say my words are worthless?

I can only make up theories to why you hate me and why you treat me like i'm the plaque. My theory is you hate the world so much that if you see someone who's filled with goodness, you have to break them down until you are better. You are a bully, you see something good so you tear it down to make yourself feel superior. it's like this "Hey, she's not that perfect" so you go out of your way to insult that person to make them like everybody else, because you can't accept maybe you're the bad guy and that you are no better than the people around you. Newsflash!! You're worse because there is no honor in people who are rude and tear down others. You want to bash something so badly? Bash yourself you crybaby. That's all you know how to do is whine about your life and insult people. But I don't hate you. despite it hurts like hell knowing that you could hate me, and throw my friendship away so easily the third time (the third damn time!), but I'm done! I'm so damn done! I give up because it's no longer worth it, I failed trying to brighten your world, and all I get out of it is my friend saying my opinion is worthless and I'm a hypocrite, then deleteding me. I'm damn tired of you keep deleting me, and throwing my friendship away!

I'm sick and tired of dealing with these types of people. Why do I attract them? Why do they love to hate me so much? I refuse to bow down to people who watn to bash me. I shouldn't have to protect myself against "friends" like this, and real friends would never delete me over an argument, you can have differnet opinions and still be friends. But no, this person doesn't want to be my friend. this person hates me and thinks i'm this horrible person who is a hypocrite because i didnt' believe what he/she believed. But no matter how much I try to make sense of this, I wind up hurt and confused. I miss the old friend this person was back in high school but that person is no more. Instead this person changed into a rude asshole who is so angry with the world that everyone is the enemy. I'm the enemy, and you know what? I don't care anymore... I tried my best. I have the "patience of a saint" as a good friend told me once, and I stayed as long as I could but no more.

Once you exit my life you better stay out of it. You deleted me so you are going to stay deleted. You wanted me out of your life then so be it. Stay the fuck out of my life because i'm tired of getting bit by the dog that i'm trying to help. Stupid dog, you will wind up alone because you can't stop biting the people that are trying to help you and be your friend. But no...wind up alone in your lonely damn cage cause i'm fucking done! just stay out of my life and don't come crawling back. I promise this time I won't take you back no matter how much you damn whimper. This wolf is not loyal to those who are not loyal to me, and if you attack me again you will meet my fangs. In the meantime, say Hi again to Karma for me! You will be meeting it soon just like the last time you were a jerk.

Ok, rant over and sadistic side is caged now.